out of laziness, and in part because of a lingering gift card, Reid and i decided to eat at Avantis tonight. while eating at Avantis is usually a big mistake followed by tummy aches, tonight's outing turned into hilarity. for me.

our waitress came to our table to take our drink order, and right after asking what we'd like to drink, a little girl on the other side of the wall screamed one of those hideous-only-a-mother-could-love-it child screams. in classy kara-manner, i said to the waitress, "i'll have what she's having." and promptly busted out laughing. i admit, it wasn't that funny, but i was making reference to When Harry Met Sally and proceeded to say, "it was supposed to be funny." to explain my behavior. why can't i tell a joke? this has been a constant laughing matter in our marriage, and tonight just epitomized my lack of joke-tellingness.

ah.

one of the things that i've been very thankful for lately is the laughter that's resurfaced in my marriage. in spite of some horrible things happening to us this year, i'm glad that Reid and i can make each other laugh and just be silly together.

of course, my life isn't filled with laughter, it's only a small part of what helps keep me ticking each day. more and more lately, i find myself in a very deep depression that probably doesn't show to others because i seem to spend 80% of my waking hours working and you just can't be a depressed doof when you're working with people all day. i've had talks with friends about going to a counselor (our first attempt at counseling led to a recommendation of some James Dobson writings which totally threw me for a loop) and possibly getting on medication, but i've never been the kind of person to just say, "ok, i give up...medicate me!"

on a different note, we're about to finish watching Purple Rain...a film i'm sure i'll only have to see once in my life. hopefully.

...and that's how babies are made

we got food.

it's growing. it's growing in abundance in our backyard. it's our first attempt at a garden, and after what i thought was a rough start, it looks like things are picking up. i'm really excited about the possibilities it holds.

two tomatoes. three plants and two whole tomatoes.

this is the beginning of what i can only describe as an overabundance of jalapenos.

here's the thing

i'm boring.

yeah. bo-ring. i think i've been trying to figure out what to fill that new empty part of my life with for the last four months, and i haven't gotten anywhere.

i've found that i like to eat, and i've gained 15 pounds in the process. not what i'd call productive in terms of getting me back to some state of normal even if it's a new normal.

i'm reading a book with my mom & sister called Cold Tangerines, and the first section is somewhat of a manifesto about living for now, not for what will be. my now sucks. seriously.

i try to find joy in the now, but it's all awkward and sticky and not fun. i don't know what to say to people when i'm hanging out with them. my mind works a little like this:

Scenario 1:

kara is sitting at Medici with friends when the conversation turns to pets. kara engages in the conversation fo' reals for about 2.2 seconds before visions of Raef start churning around in her head. kara imagines herself sitting in the uncomfortable rolly/swivel chair that's standard in the NICU. she's looking over a nurse's shoulder at her son. so cute. kara gets depressed about the current state of her life an completely stops engaging in the present.

Scenario 2:

kara is sitting at her desk at work when she looks slightly to the right of her computer monitor where there's a picture of her angelic baby boy lying in his isolette. productivity = 0.

ok. so, there are only 2 scenarios, but that's pretty much my life if you leave out sitting in front of the tv with Reid at night.

i'm embarking on a journey of what it means to live life in the now. i need to stop looking into the future where i have more money, and can actually take a vacation; where i can actually imagine having another child; where i'm not jealous of my friends for being way better people than i am.

right now, that means getting myself some dinner. like a boss.

poverty. i got it.

i decided to go out on a limb today, and attend a poverty simulation which was being put on by Mid Central Community Action and the University of Illinois Extension. it may sound corny, but what a life/perspective changing experience.

if you have an opportunity to go to a poverty simulation, and you're not already living in poverty, i suggest you do it. i suggest you register and put it on your calendar right this moment. go ahead, i'll wait right here.

but seriously. good stuff.

i was Pablo Ruiz, a 36 year old father of three whose wife left and neglects to pay child support. my children ranged in age from 3 - 13 years and boy were they a handful. actually, they were pretty great, even after i pawned our TV to pay for a week of childcare that i didn't really end up needing because pawning the tv to get the money for childcare took so much time that i was late for work and they told me to go home anyway. aside from that, i forgot to pick up my 3 year old on time, and definitely wasn't anyone's favorite single dad.

from working at PATH, i feel like i've been able to somewhat understand peoples' situations and sympathize/empathize with their plights. i found out tonight that i had no freaking clue as to what they felt/experienced on any given day.

as Pablo, i let my children go hungry. i couldn't travel to the grocery store to use my LINK card because i had no way of getting there. i let my kids go hungry! what the heck?!

luckily, my 13 year old, Paulo, was resourceful enough to lend his babysitting skills to a neighboring family and bring in an extra $20 one week. needless to say, it didn't get us out of the water by any means, and i still felt like a total failure to my children.

i felt the disappointment in myself, the system, and those in my community during this simulation. i felt alone. i felt as if i were the only one who could get my family through each day. i lost all hope during the hour-long simulation. i gave up.

again, if you have the opportunity, i suggest you give it a try. you'll come away from the experience with a profound appreciation for those less fortunate than you.