if there were such a thing as the "hold it together" award in my life, i would never win it.

last night, a lovely lady by the name of Shauna Niequist came to Bloomington to talk to the women of our church and community about appreciating the little things in life. and change.

after reading her first book, Cold Tangerines with my mom and sister in a long-distance book club (facilitated mostly by Tina whom always knows how to keep the conversation going) i was totally psyched to see her in person. and, my god. she's good.

it was a great night of fellowship, worship, prayer, and food (not to mention the fact that we were being served by the men of our church and didn't have to lift a finger throughout the whole event). Shauna read a few essays that may be included in her next book and they were amazing. the woman knows how to read aloud.

i sat next to Reid's mom, Toni, and by the end of almost every essay Shauna read, we were both crying like babies. doing the girl thing of pointing at each other with tears in our eyes, mouthing the words, "i know." to each other.

after her reading, Shauna was available to sign books. i waited a few minutes to get into line, not wanting to seem too eager to meet her. i made it up to the table sooner than i expected, and immediately started crying. i think i said something about how much i loved reading her book with my mom and sister, and how my baby died too, and that i felt for her. she was very nice and thanked me for sharing. too nice. i was a blubbering mess! when asked if i wanted her to write a name in the book, i just said, "no, you can just sign it." and walked away.

these kind of situations make me realize how close i still am to Raef's passing. i think that i minimize my grief quite often, not wanting to dwell on it all of the time. one of the things i've realized lately is that if i suppress that grief, and those tears, and all of the frustration building up inside of me, i'm going to miss all of the tiny, important things going on around me. i'm going to miss out on my own life.

apparently, life wasn't meant to be easy. i'm finding that many of the joys of life are hidden in the muck and the mire of our lives. when Raef was born, and we didn't know how long we'd have with him, i saw family members reunite. people who weren't really speaking to each other were now hugging in a hospital hallway. they were sharing a glass of wine and chatting after we paid our respects to that darling child.

that's not to say that seeing people hug and share a meal made me feel better about Raef dying. no. it made me feel better about the rest of life. about the possibilities that are out there, around nearly every corner. it made me think that maybe God hadn't abandoned me totally, he was showing up in my life in ways i'd never expected. sure, i lost something that can never be replaced, but i didn't lose me.