pumpkins and city bumpkins

we're growing a giant pumpkin in our backyard.

it's huge already. like, really huge. and orange. and beautiful. and slightly setting on our neighbor's property but they don't care because it's a rental and nobody takes care of the lawn anyhow.

i constantly find myself worrying about the pumpkin. should we cut it off now? should we move it back onto our property? do we let it grow to a hundred pounds? will it rot where it lay? are the seeds going to be any good?

it's a pumpkin for crying out loud. the worst that could happen is that it would rot and we'd have to somehow remove it from the premises.

i think we should take the seeds and plant them in our friends' yards when they're not looking. then one day they'll wake up and have giant 100 lb. pumpkins of their own. and we'd all match. 'cause that's what's important. yeah.

what ever happened to brutality?

i know nothing of it. brutality that is.

tonight, we successfully replaced our kitchen sink, and are running our new portable dishwasher (compliments of Ton & Gar for Reid's graduation).

we don't have to wash our dishes by hand. for the first time in a long time! like, more than two years time.

it helps put things in perspective. having a dishwasher is a total luxury, but to most it's a necessity. if i showed a house to a potential buyer and it didn't have a dishwasher, i'd probably be fired. bad REALTOR!

Reid and i have a lot of luxuries that we take for granted. for example, we've been living just under 200% of the poverty level (according to the United States Department of Health and Human Services) for the last three years, and we haven't really skipped a beat in terms of being able to go out with friends for dinner, or become Wednesday Warriors at Medici. of course, we haven't taken a vacation since our honeymoon but that's like a real luxury. right?

think about it. we don't KNOW hunger. if you're reading this, you're probably sitting on a cushy couch, or you're on a boat, or you're sitting at your cushy job stealing company time. we don't know poverty. we don't know need. what we need is to take a careful look at those around us. what do they need? is it money, food, clothing, Jesus? is it you?

knicknacks and paddywhacks

and hobbies.

i just got off the phone with my dear sister, and probably bff in the entire world, and somehow, we got onto the topic of hobbies. i don't have one.

we went to a counselor right after Raef died, and the counselor asked us what we do for fun. you know, did we have any hobbies? if i remember this day clearly enough, i remember saying something dumb like, "hanging out with friends. hanging out with each other. reading."

our counselor didn't think that those were acceptable hobbies. in the least. "no!" he said, "you need to find something to fill the void left by your dead baby." (he may not have said dead baby, but that's what he would have said if he weren't wearing his counselor hat that day.) and so, we didn't go back. well, we really didn't go back because he suggested that we could really benefit from some of James Dobson's work and proceeded to make crude comments about his own wife/marriage. not the point. moving on.

i haven't given the whole hobby thing much thought until just recently. i think i'm scared that i'll be a first-year-teacher-widow and not know what to do with all of my new found free time. i'll be sitting at home watching the STYLE network, hoping that Reid is sitting in his classroom wishing he were with me. you know, doing hobby things like catching up on LOST or letting me beat him in Dr. Mario (which i actually do beat him at quite often).

i'm also scared about this whole too busy for your wife thing because we're coming out of a really dark time in our lives as a couple, and in our lives in general. nobody thinks that they'll live to see their child die. it's not supposed to happen that way; i'm still having a hard time hearing that everything happens for a reason. needless to say, this is not a time that i want to be set to the task of finding out what makes me happy. i don't think that knitting or scrapbooking will make me complacent about the fact that my husband is incredibly busy, or that my son is no longer with me.

i think back to our days in the NICU and shudder. when i hear of other moms and dads going through it, my heart breaks for them. i want to reach out and give them big hugs even though i don't know them.

possible new hobby: express myself more concisely. hobby? i think not. necessary? probably.

the school year has officially begun...for teachers. it's apparent in our house, because Reid isn't here! yeah. not here. at school. at 8:30.

i hate to say that i'm scared of the coming year, but i'm a little worried.

we've been doing the school thing for the past three years. my former student of a husband is now a teacher. on the plus side, we're not incurring more debt for him to get his degree anymore. we're going to have a substantial second income for the first time in three years. we'll hopefully be able to take our first vacation since our honeymoon. the negative side? three words: first. year. teacher.

if i'm totally honest, i just have to say that i admire my husband for pursuing a career that he feels is a sort of calling. i love him more than ever, and can't imagine our lives any other way. i pray that i can find things to keep my busy this coming year while my husband is figuring out how to be a teacher.

my sister, Tina told me something recently that i'll never forget. she said that if you lack patience, the last thing you should do is pray for patience because that's when God sends things your way to test your patience. amen.

of bicuspids and such

i can't stand the sound of people chewing.

especially when my husband does it. it's like i can feel it in my bones. i feel every molar crunch and bicuspid munch. it kills me.

i say this realizing that i too make noise when i chew. how can i say that i hate when other people do it if i do it too?

here's the deal. i completely understand that we all have our own little ticks. Reid would probably tell me that my feet are too stinky, or he wishes my hair were styled a different way, or he just isn't very satisfied with the way i hang his collared shirts (which are all true, by the way).

i just hate the sound of chewing. period. end of story.

i'm bad at being a grown up

seriously. i am bad at it.

how? let's see.

i can't keep my house clean for the life of me. i let things go and go and go until i can't stand them anymore and throw a fit in front of Reid. then we spend an entire evening cleaning and three days later, it's back where it started. what's so difficult about putting things away when you're done with them? why is it so hard to wash the dishes after every meal?

i don't have a signature meal that i can just whip up anytime we might have dinner guests. not only do i not have a signature meal, i never have the signature ingredients around to compile such a meal to begin with. on top of that, there's always a pile of the aforementioned dishes to be done afterward that i'm not eager to deal with.

i don't exercise. there. i said it. it's true. many times in my life i've tried to start an exercise regimen. never has it worked. i know what i need to do. i know that it's as simple as taking a 30 minute walk every day but do i do that? no! that requires getting off of my duff. that requires an extra 30 minutes a day. i don't seem to have that much extra time lately.

i have no artwork on my walls. yep. our walls are bare, save our wedding invitation in the bedroom and the family calendar in the kitchen. i've talked with my friend, Becca about this before; artwork and framing things of importance are double income kinds of things. when we only have one income, i'm more concerned about putting food on the table, (or on the coffee table. from a takeout bag) gas in our cars, and shoes on our feet. artwork is one of those things that i feel will really catapult me into adulthood.

i don't have a real couch. nope, our living room consists of a five year old ikea couch that we've reinforced about five times and a donated chair that Reid hates and wants to get rid of. another double income kind of thing. i so want a comfortable couch and chair. i truly believe those things will make my life better.

the list goes on, but i'll stop there for tonight. i'll spare you the ugly details. you'll thank me later, when i'm a real adult doing things adults do.