yeah. bo-ring. i think i've been trying to figure out what to fill that new empty part of my life with for the last four months, and i haven't gotten anywhere.
i've found that i like to eat, and i've gained 15 pounds in the process. not what i'd call productive in terms of getting me back to some state of normal even if it's a new normal.
i'm reading a book with my mom & sister called Cold Tangerines, and the first section is somewhat of a manifesto about living for now, not for what will be. my now sucks. seriously.
i try to find joy in the now, but it's all awkward and sticky and not fun. i don't know what to say to people when i'm hanging out with them. my mind works a little like this:
Scenario 1:
kara is sitting at Medici with friends when the conversation turns to pets. kara engages in the conversation fo' reals for about 2.2 seconds before visions of Raef start churning around in her head. kara imagines herself sitting in the uncomfortable rolly/swivel chair that's standard in the NICU. she's looking over a nurse's shoulder at her son. so cute. kara gets depressed about the current state of her life an completely stops engaging in the present.
Scenario 2:
kara is sitting at her desk at work when she looks slightly to the right of her computer monitor where there's a picture of her angelic baby boy lying in his isolette. productivity = 0.
ok. so, there are only 2 scenarios, but that's pretty much my life if you leave out sitting in front of the tv with Reid at night.
i'm embarking on a journey of what it means to live life in the now. i need to stop looking into the future where i have more money, and can actually take a vacation; where i can actually imagine having another child; where i'm not jealous of my friends for being way better people than i am.
right now, that means getting myself some dinner. like a boss.
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