out of laziness, and in part because of a lingering gift card, Reid and i decided to eat at Avantis tonight. while eating at Avantis is usually a big mistake followed by tummy aches, tonight's outing turned into hilarity. for me.

our waitress came to our table to take our drink order, and right after asking what we'd like to drink, a little girl on the other side of the wall screamed one of those hideous-only-a-mother-could-love-it child screams. in classy kara-manner, i said to the waitress, "i'll have what she's having." and promptly busted out laughing. i admit, it wasn't that funny, but i was making reference to When Harry Met Sally and proceeded to say, "it was supposed to be funny." to explain my behavior. why can't i tell a joke? this has been a constant laughing matter in our marriage, and tonight just epitomized my lack of joke-tellingness.

ah.

one of the things that i've been very thankful for lately is the laughter that's resurfaced in my marriage. in spite of some horrible things happening to us this year, i'm glad that Reid and i can make each other laugh and just be silly together.

of course, my life isn't filled with laughter, it's only a small part of what helps keep me ticking each day. more and more lately, i find myself in a very deep depression that probably doesn't show to others because i seem to spend 80% of my waking hours working and you just can't be a depressed doof when you're working with people all day. i've had talks with friends about going to a counselor (our first attempt at counseling led to a recommendation of some James Dobson writings which totally threw me for a loop) and possibly getting on medication, but i've never been the kind of person to just say, "ok, i give up...medicate me!"

on a different note, we're about to finish watching Purple Rain...a film i'm sure i'll only have to see once in my life. hopefully.

...and that's how babies are made

we got food.

it's growing. it's growing in abundance in our backyard. it's our first attempt at a garden, and after what i thought was a rough start, it looks like things are picking up. i'm really excited about the possibilities it holds.

two tomatoes. three plants and two whole tomatoes.

this is the beginning of what i can only describe as an overabundance of jalapenos.

here's the thing

i'm boring.

yeah. bo-ring. i think i've been trying to figure out what to fill that new empty part of my life with for the last four months, and i haven't gotten anywhere.

i've found that i like to eat, and i've gained 15 pounds in the process. not what i'd call productive in terms of getting me back to some state of normal even if it's a new normal.

i'm reading a book with my mom & sister called Cold Tangerines, and the first section is somewhat of a manifesto about living for now, not for what will be. my now sucks. seriously.

i try to find joy in the now, but it's all awkward and sticky and not fun. i don't know what to say to people when i'm hanging out with them. my mind works a little like this:

Scenario 1:

kara is sitting at Medici with friends when the conversation turns to pets. kara engages in the conversation fo' reals for about 2.2 seconds before visions of Raef start churning around in her head. kara imagines herself sitting in the uncomfortable rolly/swivel chair that's standard in the NICU. she's looking over a nurse's shoulder at her son. so cute. kara gets depressed about the current state of her life an completely stops engaging in the present.

Scenario 2:

kara is sitting at her desk at work when she looks slightly to the right of her computer monitor where there's a picture of her angelic baby boy lying in his isolette. productivity = 0.

ok. so, there are only 2 scenarios, but that's pretty much my life if you leave out sitting in front of the tv with Reid at night.

i'm embarking on a journey of what it means to live life in the now. i need to stop looking into the future where i have more money, and can actually take a vacation; where i can actually imagine having another child; where i'm not jealous of my friends for being way better people than i am.

right now, that means getting myself some dinner. like a boss.