do you have kids?

i encounter this question quite often, and to be honest, my response is different almost every time.

whether i decide to tell the person that yes, i actually do have a child, but he passed away, or no, i don't have children is always a tough decision for me.

if i'm talking to someone whom i respect, but just haven't connected with in a long time, i'll say yes. yes, but he passed away about a month after he was born. i don't usually go into the fact that i knew that there was a serious problem before he was born. i don't tell the person that i was in a lot of physical pain during the last month of my pregnancy and that i don't have fond memories of it. i don't tell the person that i probably did 80% of my mourning before he was born. i usually don't even tell them my son's name. for the record, his name is Raef.

if i'm talking to a total stranger like a PATH caller, i always say no. i don't have children. then i ignore the person when they either lament that children are a lot of work and very expensive these days, or when they express that i'd probably really love to have children if i just tried. god, would i?!

if i'm talking to an acquaintance, i'm more apt to take the same approach as with a total stranger and say no. leave it at that. usually the matter is dropped anyway because other things need to be discussed. like business. business wins every time!

i just don't know the appropriate response. i don't know if i'm just being totally awful by not telling someone the truth, or being totally awful by telling the truth. i almost feel worse when i tell someone that Raef died. i usually end up consoling the other person, trying to diffuse any guilt they may feel about asking the question.

the truth is, i love talking about Raef. he was such an amazing light in my life, and still is in fact. Raef taught me what it meant to love someone unconditionally, totally. i spent so many days, hours, and minutes staring into my son's adorable preemie face that i can't imagine the outcome of my life if i hadn't had the chance to do that. i don't know where i'd be without that experience. i had the gift of 23 glorious, bright, crazy, stressful, painful, joyful NICU days with him. he really did have the cutest face. seriously. i know that if you have kids, you'll disagree with me and that's okay. your kids are cute, but mine sure takes the cake.

and that's that. morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, i am a mother. i just lack the flesh and blood child to prove it to those i don't already know.

if we don't know each other well, or just haven't connected in the past couple of years, i'll let you in on a little insight if you're interested. i blogged almost daily about our experience with Raef here. sometimes i have to go back over the many posts to come to grips with what happened to our family. sometimes it helps.