knicknacks and paddywhacks

and hobbies.

i just got off the phone with my dear sister, and probably bff in the entire world, and somehow, we got onto the topic of hobbies. i don't have one.

we went to a counselor right after Raef died, and the counselor asked us what we do for fun. you know, did we have any hobbies? if i remember this day clearly enough, i remember saying something dumb like, "hanging out with friends. hanging out with each other. reading."

our counselor didn't think that those were acceptable hobbies. in the least. "no!" he said, "you need to find something to fill the void left by your dead baby." (he may not have said dead baby, but that's what he would have said if he weren't wearing his counselor hat that day.) and so, we didn't go back. well, we really didn't go back because he suggested that we could really benefit from some of James Dobson's work and proceeded to make crude comments about his own wife/marriage. not the point. moving on.

i haven't given the whole hobby thing much thought until just recently. i think i'm scared that i'll be a first-year-teacher-widow and not know what to do with all of my new found free time. i'll be sitting at home watching the STYLE network, hoping that Reid is sitting in his classroom wishing he were with me. you know, doing hobby things like catching up on LOST or letting me beat him in Dr. Mario (which i actually do beat him at quite often).

i'm also scared about this whole too busy for your wife thing because we're coming out of a really dark time in our lives as a couple, and in our lives in general. nobody thinks that they'll live to see their child die. it's not supposed to happen that way; i'm still having a hard time hearing that everything happens for a reason. needless to say, this is not a time that i want to be set to the task of finding out what makes me happy. i don't think that knitting or scrapbooking will make me complacent about the fact that my husband is incredibly busy, or that my son is no longer with me.

i think back to our days in the NICU and shudder. when i hear of other moms and dads going through it, my heart breaks for them. i want to reach out and give them big hugs even though i don't know them.

possible new hobby: express myself more concisely. hobby? i think not. necessary? probably.